Dear fellow human beings, my dear loves,
“I read the news today. Oh boy..”
It is hard out there and our collective humanity is increasingly strained. Today I’m asking you to fight for our humanity. This fight starts within you, is a deep dive into the empathy and compassion you hold for yourself and those around you, and demands that we quit “othering” the people who are in this life with us.
Brené Brown defines empathy as “connecting to the emotion another person is experiencing and not the actual experience.” We can connect to the feeling behind an action without having actually done that action. Brown’s research also points out that empathy is at the heart of connection and that we are biologically hard-wired for connection. What I love most about empathy as a practice is that we can connect to someone emotionally, hold them and ourselves as beautifully human, and leave room to disagree, to hold accountability, ask hard questions, and take compassionate action. When we approach conflict this way we gain connection and hold our common humanity.
Selective empathy is weaponized empathy. Choosing to be empathetic with only those who are similar to ourselves drives disconnection, deepens divides, and removes humanity from our interactions. Empathizing only with those similar to ourselves becomes the platform for dehumanization… no matter what “side” you are on. We have seen the cost of dehumanization through war, slavery, genocide, and the list goes on and on.
For me practicing empathy gets really hard when things I am passionate about and care deeply for are threatened, not taken seriously, or dismissed. In this space it takes extra work, patience, and spaciousness to stay connected to others (especially those I disagree with) and to choose empathy. To let go of empathy is to let go of humanity; a cost I will not permit myself to pay. When I look into the world, I see how badly we need connection and how badly we are suffering from disconnection. In those moments when my heart fills with rage and my soul feels hopeless, it is so tempting to just say, “You are the problem!”, or “That thing over there is the problem!”, or get a case of the “eff-its” and to not look at how I am a contributor.
Some red flag alerts I feel and do when I am not practicing empathy for myself and others include judging, using language like "should, have to, and can't," speaking/feeling hate, minimizing feelings, saying "those people," having zero fun, experiencing rigidity, and lacking flexibility and curiosity. We can all get to this place of non-empathy and that is ok. The important thing is that we can choose to recover and choose to leave the space of non-empathy. We can choose humanity.
Here are a few things I do to help myself recover:
Breathe… on purpose. Take a deep breath right now! Brains work better with oxygen.
Be spacious with myself and others. Take time to respond.
Internally ask any of these questions:
If these were my actions, what would I be feeling?
If this were my truth, what would I be experiencing?
What is true about their actions or the things they are saying?
If you believe that you “would never,” check out these resources (Because perhaps you would if your life circumstances were different):
This podcast from Hidden Brain called Liar, Liar, Liar
Be curious like a toddler. Ask questions without knowing the answer.
Use the 10% rule. Everyone/everything is at least 10% right. What is that 10%?
Practice “Yes, and...”
Find the thing to like about what is happening and build from there.
Allow multiple truths to exist.
Check out this podcast Tarana Burke and Brené on Being Heard and Seen.
Embrace nuance and complexity.
Own not knowing.
Take accountability for personal actions.
Be compassionate both inward and outward.
Imagine the other as a 5 year old.
You don’t need to use all these strategies or all of them at once, just enough to return to yourself and your own humanity.
How painful is it when we feel disconnected from those around us and from our common humanity? The times in my life that I find deep pain I find deep disconnection. What is the cost when we willingly abandon our humanity and the humanity within others? What do you want to perpetuate? How are your actions creating the world you want to see? I want to see a world full of connection, radical love, vivacious courage, brave leadership, and deep, true justice. We need empathy for all that. We are scared, weary, anxious, and unnerved waiting to see what is on the other side of this lock-down. Let's choose to keep our humanity intact.