It is early February. Kathy is sitting across from me in her wheelchair. The bright sunlight from the Kerrville, Texas sky shines on her through her carefully chosen lace drapes. She is wearing her favorite flower embroidered violet moo-moo and her one moccasin on her one foot. It is the same style of moccasin she has worn for years. A necklace of red, white, and blue stars dances around her neck as she speaks. She is telling me stories, the same stories as always, about her relatives, children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, friends, traveling, and about how she met my mother and eventually my father. Woven through her words and laughs are endless threads of joy and love. This is my last memory of Kathy, the woman I call “Grandma.”
On February 28th Grandma passed away. My last month has been spent traveling back and forth between Kerrville and Austin helping my grandfather find his feet through probably the largest transition of his life. While I see the surface of Granddad’s pain and loneliness I feel the depth of that pool as infinite, and know that I can not possibly comprehend it. So I listen. I listen to Granddad’s stories, to his worries, needs, jokes, and do my best to provide a both a breath free from sorrow and the space for sorrow. One of my favorite breaths is when we drive around town to check and discuss the price differences at all of the gas stations while simultaneously discussing the various flora in yards and planters. Sometimes though breathing must take place in that pool of sorrow. This is where Grandpa always apologizes for crying and for being a softy and I always tell him it is OK to be sad and that I like him soft.
On the drive home from my visits with Grandpa I have time for reflection. I have gathered some thoughts about what I'm learning and here they are:
You can’t choose your biological family. You can choose who you call family. I am not Shorty and Kathy’s biological grandchild and I know they love me as if I were. Their love means so much to me.
It is never too late to learn how to be with your feelings. Feeling is hard. We have them whether we chose to acknowledge them or not. Acknowledging and being with feelings adds to the richness and depth of life.
Ask for help.We all need help from time to time and as we age asking becomes essential. Now is the time to start practicing how to ask for the what you need. What is the cost of not asking for what you need right now?
Hard and sad things can be deeply fulfilling. Although my eyes are puffy from tears, I feel deeply connected to my authentic self. In embracing my feelings and honoring my values through the loss of my grandma I am connecting to what truly drives my life purpose.
5. We are never done cooking. We are like a delicious meal that is constantly being prepared and will continue to be in the process of cooking until the day we die. Even when we think we have done everything there is some new experience to be had and some new thing to learn.