The other day I binge watched some TED Talks. Each talk was full of powerful motivational messages aimed at making life and the world better. Some of them told me to wake up early and do all of those things I want to do right now! DO IT RIGHT NOW! Now is the only time and I might let opportunity slip through my fingers if I’m not constantly pursuing it. After I finished watching these talks I felt desperately sad. I didn’t want to DO anything. In a completely numb fog I forced myself to do stuff. I sewed, tried writing then drawing, dragged myself over to the gym, and couldn’t help but think, “What is wrong with me?” That kind of numb feeling has been fairly persistent as of late and I figured out what’s “wrong” with me. I am sad.
I miss my friends, my little house in Portland, winter, being cold, wearing wool socks, riding my bike everywhere, public transportation, my clients, cloudy days, rain, fog, waterfalls, the Oregon coast, Colorado mountains and deserts, my family, the farm, and my horse.
As a coach I know that sad is a completely normal emotion, especially in times of big changes, and theory is much harder in practice. Thanks to the work of Brene Brown, I know in theory that I cannot selectively numb feelings. I know that if I numb my sadness that I also numb my ability to feel joy. It is this theory that I am practicing today by giving myself the permission and the courage to be a wilt-y flower.
I am feeling into all of the crevasses, textures, sensations, colors, and emotions of being a wilt-y flower. I’m specifically thinking of a flower left in a vase for too long. Heavy, sad, unmotivated, blasee, disheartened, small, lonely, a little slimy, and maybe even a little smelly. Connecting with the deep sadness has also connected me to the equally deep joy I felt with my list of things I miss. I see very clearly that joy and sadness , in this case, are two sides of the same coin and that one is not possible without the other. Now with this greater understanding, I am a clarity-feeling, balanced, sad wilt-y flower that knows this is just where I am right now, that things will change in their own time, and that nothing is “wrong” with me.
Here are some questions to wrestle with. What emotions are you trying to numb away? What can’t you be with? How would owning them add depth in understanding to your being? How would owning them allow you to be closer to your authentic self?