Do not look away from pain. Do not look away from struggle. When we do this a few things happen. When we look away we leave the person experiencing pain/struggle alone and we leave in service of our own comfort. This is the kind of comfort woven out of complacency, lies, and a false sense of safety… Not real comfort. This applies on an individual, community, national, and global level.
Recently my friend Chisa asked, "How can we expect radical change, if people don't even show up for their struggling friends?"
Why don't we show up? Because it is hard, scary, vulnerable, and uncomfortable standing with someone as they walk through struggle. We may fail. We may not get or say things "right" or "perfect." Hard things may continue to happen regardless of how we show up as a friend. Staying with someone as they struggle also means you'll have to connect to the part of yourself that knows struggle and pain… Not comfortable. This connection is called empathy. But here's the deal, your friend is going to do all the hard stuff with or without you. Choosing to be there means that they'll still do it and they just won't be alone.
At the end of my college career I was working two jobs, going to school full time, and not making ends meet. One of my now dearest friends and then mentors, Mara, brainstormed with me on all the ways to get my tuition paid that wasn't another student loan. Long story short, we figured out the money for school, but I didn't have money for groceries. This is the most important part of the story; Mara asked if I had groceries. She stayed with me in my struggle. You can bet there was no way I was about to ask for more help… and she asked, she saw me, she heard the answer though I definitely danced around the truth, and took it on herself to make sure I was eating. Since this time Mara continues to show up, listen, ask how she can support, and to not make assumptions. She knows me as a whole human and this is why she is one of my dearest friends. This scenario so many years ago was when I began to understand that there is a different way to show up as a friend, community member, and citizen.
Another example, last week I had a moment of complete overwhelm and exhaustion. It was a combo of our car being stolen, family health issues, CoVid life, toddler parenting, witnessing the pain of racial injustice, and trying to run my business. I got the kid down for bed and just had nothing left. My partner, Philippe, asked what I'd like to do for the rest of the evening and I just wept. He held me, confirmed that right now is hard, and most importantly didn't try to fix it. There was nothing to fix in that moment. He was just there in the struggle with me.
Showing up can look so many different ways. It can be in big ways like making sure someone is eating to smaller ways like a simple check-in text. Check with your people, what do they need? What do they want? Ask the questions. Don’t assume.
What does it mean to show up only for the fun joyous parts of life, only for those parts of our friends, and not the hard dark struggling parts? To me it means missing out on wholeness, whole friendships, whole communities, and whole togetherness. It threatens to leave people walking hard paths alone, continued injustice, and in many ways, we lose lives and the wonderful impact they could have on the world around us. To not stay with people who are struggling, to look away, is to live in a pretend world. In All About Love bell hooks writes, "The heart of justice is truth telling, seeing ourselves and the world the way they are not the way we wish they were." When we choose to only be with the bright happy stuff we warp the reality of life, friendships, and community. Choose real life. Choose wholeness. Show up. Get uncomfortable. Stay truthful. Seek justice. Support your friends, community, nation, and globe. Lives depend on it and someday you may depend on it too.